Saturday, March 16, 2019

When the World Pushes Back...

tumultuous sea of dementia 

So many times we set up grand expectations which end up nose-diving to major disappointment. 

I didn't expect to be gone from publishing for three years. In the book world, it feels like a lifetime. The stress of where to jump back onto the merry-go-round of self-publishing is real. 

Have I been gone too long from the industry? Will readers be able to find me in an even more saturated market than three years ago? Has technology in publishing drastically changed? 

You see, I wasn't burned out on writing, I wasn't taking time because I hit a brick wall or experienced the dreaded writer's block. For the last three years, LIFE happened. 

Outside of who I am, the world around me decided to explode in crazy ways. Death and disease have ravaged some of my relationships, wreaked havoc on my writing career, and really messed with my emotional state of mind.  

For the last three years, I've been navigating an extremely complicated relationship with a family member who is afflicted with dementia. I wasn't prepared for the amount of mental energy that the disease consumes. Dementia is a bastard who slips through the cracks in a broken mind, laughs in your face while it insidiously steals your freedom. I'm still not prepared for the road to come. I don't know if tomorrow will be filled with the stress of accusations or the sadness of watching them struggle to remember what happened yesterday. I haven't seen the worst, and yet I can't even fathom what the worst will be. 

All I know is that I'm treading water in a tumultuous sea of dementia and my muscles are fatigued. I remind myself, it's not forever, and this too shall pass. It's the only words that seem to soothe the battered kid locked deep inside of me. 

Needless to say, I am writing. It's a slow process and it's discouraging that I can't dedicate hours and hours into the worlds I love to create. But I am doing what I can. So don't give up on this ol' gal!